yeh ok dudes, we’ll come home soon. 

reasons why my parents house/mt airy is good for the soul

• i can play in the woods as much as i want.
• there’s an unlimited amount of food for me to eat/i don’t spend any money.
• i get to spend time with my friends who i’ve known since i was a child (i.e. people who have seen me much worse than this and still love me)
• i get to listen to my 15 year old sister play piano.
• it’s a legitimate saturday night move to drink pickle backs and play apples to apples.
• it’s a legitimate thursday night move to watch kazaam.
• i have access to all the disney movies on vhs i could ever dream of watching.
• i am surrounded by love.
• i am never alone.

on being an idiot and overdosing by accident on sunday

so i started crying yesterday

on the walk to mt airy family practice

everything was too green

that lush justaftertherain dripping springtime hue

and i was so fucking happy not to to be dead

like an idiot i shot up two of the strongest bags in kensington for absolutely no reason

except that things were going ok

so i had to ruin them

and im sorry darling, ill never stop being sorry

that you had to see me blue like that that

dead like that

looking at baby pictures with my parents the other night

and so i was crying for those faces too

that im never gonna make again

never that happy

that young

crying cause my doctor said

i just am this way

“it’s not my fault.”

but i know

i know for sure

it is.

this blog is so pretty.

it’s called tattooandpiercingloveandfamily and all of these kind of mundane pictures become unique and beautiful.

im into it.

so i realized today that my boyfriend ran a train on this incredibly irritating girl when he was like 15 with his friends. there was another ugly scene at a party in front of like 40 people later that year with this girl. the impression i got from the stories was that this chick was wasted and really not having a good time. i met the girl in dc last weekend.

and i don’t really know why exactly it bothers me but it does.

because, ok, last year i had that kind of threesome jawn with wang and mike rod but it was like literally the exact opposite of that. they were like agressively respectful and admiring, to the extent that i found the whole experience kind of bland. to be honest, i don’t know that i’ve ever really been taken advantage of sexually; with the theoretical exception of chris carlin my freshman year, but i thought i knew what i was doing.

so there’s sort of two trains of thought going on right now.

the first one is the totally legitimate one where i feel weird about the fact that the person i’m in love with is/was capable of humiliating a woman that way, even if she fucking sucks. there’s something really cold about his retelling of the whole situation that makes me nervous, however long ago it was. ok. fair. i can work through that in my head.

the second train of thought is completely ridiculous. it bothers me that he would fuck this girl on a playground in front of his friends but sometimes he won’t fuck me in our bed.

so im like 72% sure i’m pregnant with matt’s child.

and no, of course not. but i’m probably gonna play drink it off for a couple more weeks before i bother taking a test.